I have very mixed feelings about yesterday's race. I am very proud of myself for doing it. This is the first race that I have ever done on my own. And we all know how I feel about doing things alone. So just as I was proud of myself when I went to my first movie alone a few weeks ago, I see this as a great accomplishment in becoming an independent woman. Also, I know that I am capable of running six miles, which is so much more than I could do just three months ago. And I am extremely proud of myself for how far I have come. Lastly, I know that just completing a 10k race is more than so many people have ever done or will ever do.
But with all that knowledge and all that pride, I am very disappointed with myself. I wasn't as nervous as I had been in past races. I didn't sleep very well, seeing as it was down pouring and thundering all night. I was sure that the race would be cancelled, or more likely I would wimp out and refuse to run in the pouring rain. I didn't have a plan for that, and I hate not having a plan. But by 6am it was done raining and I forced myself to have half a bagel. I drank enough water that I was hydrated without having to pee every fifteen minutes. Everything was perfect. The entire Dewey Decimator team was where they were supposed to be a whole 30 minutes early. My co-worker Susan told me she'd be running 12-minute miles, so my goal was to keep up with her. Everything was going according to plan. But after running the first mile with Susan (which was really 11 minutes) I was exhausted. It was muggy, but not unbearable. The sun was only out half the time, and the wind, although strong was a nice relief. Then at mile two I hit the big hill and the wind. I let myself walk just .25 miles hoping that getting past the hill and catching my breath would leave me in great shape for the next four miles. But that's when it all feel apart. As a perfectionist, knowing that I didn't do something 100% makes me not even want to try anymore. So I kept letting myself take little walk breaks whenever I got too tired, or bored, or hilly. I probably ended up walking a whole mile. And that's why I want a do-over. Because I know I can do the whole thing. Because the weather wasn't bad. Because I have no one to blame but myself.
The most important thing I learned from this experience, is that I am not a "racer". Some people thrive on being surrounded by all those runners. The competition or camaraderie pushes them just a little harder. But not me. I find the whole experience stressful. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I wanted to puke all day, even when it was all over. And I try to remove myself from as many stressful situations as possible. So why put myself through that My real victory was a month ago, when I finished all six miles strongly. So will I do it again? I don't know yet. Part of me wants to concentrate on running shorter distances, or just running for exercise, rather than an end goal. But let's face it, without a goal, I don't work well. I'll have to rest a while, and then revisit my goals. the good news is: if I ever do another 10k... chances are I can only get better!
But with all that knowledge and all that pride, I am very disappointed with myself. I wasn't as nervous as I had been in past races. I didn't sleep very well, seeing as it was down pouring and thundering all night. I was sure that the race would be cancelled, or more likely I would wimp out and refuse to run in the pouring rain. I didn't have a plan for that, and I hate not having a plan. But by 6am it was done raining and I forced myself to have half a bagel. I drank enough water that I was hydrated without having to pee every fifteen minutes. Everything was perfect. The entire Dewey Decimator team was where they were supposed to be a whole 30 minutes early. My co-worker Susan told me she'd be running 12-minute miles, so my goal was to keep up with her. Everything was going according to plan. But after running the first mile with Susan (which was really 11 minutes) I was exhausted. It was muggy, but not unbearable. The sun was only out half the time, and the wind, although strong was a nice relief. Then at mile two I hit the big hill and the wind. I let myself walk just .25 miles hoping that getting past the hill and catching my breath would leave me in great shape for the next four miles. But that's when it all feel apart. As a perfectionist, knowing that I didn't do something 100% makes me not even want to try anymore. So I kept letting myself take little walk breaks whenever I got too tired, or bored, or hilly. I probably ended up walking a whole mile. And that's why I want a do-over. Because I know I can do the whole thing. Because the weather wasn't bad. Because I have no one to blame but myself.
The most important thing I learned from this experience, is that I am not a "racer". Some people thrive on being surrounded by all those runners. The competition or camaraderie pushes them just a little harder. But not me. I find the whole experience stressful. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I wanted to puke all day, even when it was all over. And I try to remove myself from as many stressful situations as possible. So why put myself through that My real victory was a month ago, when I finished all six miles strongly. So will I do it again? I don't know yet. Part of me wants to concentrate on running shorter distances, or just running for exercise, rather than an end goal. But let's face it, without a goal, I don't work well. I'll have to rest a while, and then revisit my goals. the good news is: if I ever do another 10k... chances are I can only get better!
The Dewey Decimators
1 comment:
don't be so hard on youself - you did awesome. Just be happy with your performance - it was your first 10K - that's a big thing. Don't analyze it into being less of an accomplishment than it was.
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