Generally I don't discuss my mental/emotional health because a) this is a fitness blog and b) I don't know who is reading it. But this week has been really really tough on me. As many of you know, the 4th of July is my most favoritest holiday of the year. The whole celebrating freedom bit requires me only to sit outside, eat yummy food, enjoy the sun, and alcoholic beverages. That's a holiday I can get into. It's not based on anything religious, so I am not required to feel bad for not including that in my celebration. I don't even have to spend time with my family and therefore nobody can make me feel guilty. I am celebrating our Freedom and my right as a woman to be independent (which is not true in many other countries). Not to mention the fact that I enjoy the colors red, white and blue, whereas you will never see me wearing a Christmas sweater! Nothing about this holiday isn't great!
So you can understand my depression at being all alone and having nobody special to celebrate the holiday with. I have literally cried every day this week, just knowing that the best three day weekend of the year is almost here, and I will be wishing that I was working instead. I know that I cannot allow myself to hole up in my house and wait for the holiday to be over. I know that I need to celebrate this year like I always have. What better way to declare Independence than by behaving like a brave, strong woman. But I am not brave, and I am not strong. I am sad and lonely and feel like I will never be able to move on. But it's more than just needing a boy by my side. I don't have enough friends either. I have nobody to invite me to things and I don't even know enough people to have my own party. Don't get me wrong, I have plans. By default I have been invited to someone else's celebration, with someone else's loved ones, in someone else's pool. Even that makes me sad.
For crying out loud: I have flag flip-flops that I only allow myself to wear on the 3rd and the 4th every year. And a girl with that much pride in the holiday, shouldn't feel this sad about its arrival. I just don't know how to fix me.
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2 comments:
You're going to make me cry. You can still come to Council Bluffs and hang with me. I know that you don't want to be invited to other people's shindigs, but if I didn't have this party, I wouldn't have one to go to either.
It wasn't so bad, was it? I think we did most things you require for a good 4th; swimming, sunning, grilling (even if it wasn't hot dogs), some fireworks, and hanging out with friends. You even got to relax in a hammock.... I'm glad you came.
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